I don't get it.

I think it's a reference to Groundhog Day.

I dunno,, made me laugh

[Keeker]

I dunno,, made me laugh

Yup, me too but I got the Groundhog Day reference.

Puxatawny jebus

Missus O'Flaherty and Missus O'Doogle had been feudin' for twenty years or more.
One fine day, Missus O' Flaherty came home from the doctors office looking mighty perplexed.
Her husband noticed this and said:" Lass....you look mighty perplexed!
She said,"Well I am."
"I was at the doctors office this afternoon to get me physical examination and he told me I needed to take a yarin specimen......and I don't know what it is!"
Her husband tilled his mind."A yarin specimen...hhhmmmmm...??!"
"I know, go see Missus O'Doogle. She's a registered nurse, she can tellya wot you want to know."
'"I WON'T GO!", she said.(She was very stubborn)
Her husband pushed.'"Look, you've been feudin' 20 years or more and likely don't even remember what it was all aboot!
The time's come to bury the hatchet, figuratively speaking and start fresh with some valuable medical information."
Well, it was a hard sell but he managed to get 'er into 'er coat n hat and sent her on 'er way.
A half hour later Missus O' Flaherty returned with her eyes black, her hat sundered and coat torn; she was an 'orrible mess.
Her husband rushed to her saying, "Oh my lord, what happened Sweety?"
"I don't know!" she whined.
"I came to the door, pretty as you please, my hat in hand."
"She answered the door and gave me the evil eye."
"What do ya want" she hissed.
"So I told her, 'I went to the doctor to get me physical examination and can't get the results untill I take a yarin specimen and I don't know what it is.!'"
"She said,'Piss in a bottle',I said 'SHIT IN A HAT!!' and the fight was on!!"

Millions of Monkeys

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and
announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys
for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys
around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply
started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys
at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers
and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people
started going back to their farms. The offer increased
to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so
scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone
catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys
at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city
on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers:
‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man
has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and
when the man returns from the city, you can sell them
to him for $50 each.’

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought
all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only
lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the
WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!

if youre sensitive dont read

Oprah Winfrey goes to a doctors office. "Doctor, ive been getting a sore throat recently." she says to the doctor. "Hmmmm ok take all your clothes off and get on your hands and knees on the ground." the doctor replies. Oprah confused does what the doctor instructed. "Ok can you crawl next to the wall over there?" he asks. Oprah crawls to the wall and stays still as the doctor looks deep in thought. "Hmmmmm, ok move to the other side of the room." he instructs, and Oprah does as he says. After several minutes of moving Oprah around the room Oprah becomes frustrated and exclaims angrily "Ok! Why are you making me do this doctor!?". The doctor replies "Oh i recently bought a black couch and i wanna know where i can put it."

if youre sensitive dont read

Oprah Winfrey goes to a doctors office. "Doctor, ive been getting a sore throat recently." she says to the doctor. "Hmmmm ok take all your clothes off and get on your hands and knees on the ground." the doctor replies. Oprah confused does what the doctor instructed. "Ok can you crawl next to the wall over there?" he asks. Oprah crawls to the wall and stays still as the doctor looks deep in thought. "Hmmmmm, ok move to the other side of the room." he instructs, and Oprah does as he says. After several minutes of moving Oprah around the room Oprah becomes frustrated and exclaims angrily "Ok! Why are you making me do this doctor!?". The doctor replies "Oh i recently bought a black couch and i wanna know where i can put it."

LOL

I've got two which I've learned from Jimmy Carr:

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Rape.

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
An erection.

XD

(I know, they are really horrible... But at the same time they're so over the line I have to laugh)

How do you make a cat go woof?


Set fire to it.

How do you make a cat go woof?


Set fire to it.

How can you make a dog go "meeeeooow"?



Stick it in the freezer for a few days, then saw it with a table saw.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?". The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

HAHAHA. That's funny as hell dude.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,

"How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in fucking genies?"