That explains the hairballs,...
"I think my Karma just ran over your Dogma"
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Drool!!
Hehehe Lame music jokes crack me up for some reason.What did the drummer get on their IQ test?
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Drool!!
Hehehe Lame music jokes crack me up for some reason.
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Drool!!
Hehehe Lame music jokes crack me up for some reason.
Stolen from Casket Crew forums, home of the almighty TON fanclub 
Things You Can Find Inside Some 'Special Occasion' Cards...
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And
now
that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll
probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card! ) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to
keep
your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
Things You Can Find Inside Some 'Special Occasion' Cards...
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And
now
that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll
probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card! ) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to
keep
your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
[This is a block of text that can be added to posts you make. There is a 255 character limit]
Vesper wrote:A frog comes to the doctor with a sock on her head...That's brilliant.
The doctor asks her - now what's wrong with you?
And the frog goes - shut the fuck up, this is a robbery...
Yeah, I know, this ain't a joke...
f'give me for just feeling great and spreading the love all around, even if it's non-sensical
Cyanide
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license. Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license. Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The Little Old Lady
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
The Barmaid
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jenny (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jenny's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jenny is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jenny remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jenny thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then skank some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sitsnext to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies "That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies "This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says"Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jenny (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jenny's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jenny is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jenny remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jenny thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then skank some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sitsnext to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies "That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies "This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says"Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
FinnAtLondon wrote:i find it quite unfiar that people can make fun of famine in 3rd world countries but i cant talk about dead things falling out of trees...geoff wrote:Jokes ok ...
As long as there's nothing silly as jokes on aids, cancer, dead babies and all that
Geoff
Well done Geoff, just in time. I was just about to list my favourite dead baby jokes. Now you ruined it. Thanx.
...and therefore it is the logical conclusion that i probably hate you.
#10694 by Guest
Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:15 pm
Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:15 pm
we're not here to do the police . Just act with common sense . Jokes about aids, dead babies, famine or cancer don't make me laugh at all ... Every abusive post will be deleted. I know that's the general discussion but we can't tolerate discrimination or verbal diarrhoea because in the end things are out of control and there' s nothing funny in that ...
Geoff
Geoff
geoff wrote:Jokes ok ...
As long as there's nothing silly as jokes on aids, cancer, dead babies and all that
Geoff
I obviously didn't read this disclaimer before posting my dead baby joke. That would explain why it has disappeared...
Sorry Geoff, I wasn't violating your rules intentionally. I wouldn't have even considered posting it if the thread wasn't specifically asking for sick jokes. I'm really a decent guy...
#10784 by Guest
Fri Apr 09, 2004 1:02 am
Fri Apr 09, 2004 1:02 am
As I told you, I'm just the admin there ... I'm not here to judge you and to abuse of my rights . It's just that we really want to keep the board entertaining and informative .
You'll never see me block your account or something like that just because you post some dirty jokes
Geoff
You'll never see me block your account or something like that just because you post some dirty jokes
Geoff
FinnAtLondon wrote:A Polish man was getting married, and he got nervous on his wedding day.... and he decided to talk about the issue with his brother:
"I am not sure is my wife really a virgin"
Brother was stunned and was silent for a few minutes until he came up with a solution:
"That's easy. Only thing you need is red paint, green paint and a shovel."
The groom was curious.
Brother: "First you have to paint one of your testicles green and the other one red, and when you take off your pants on the wedding night and she starts laughing that "those are the funniest balls I've ever seen", just hit her in the head with the shovel."
bwhahahahaahaahahaahahahaaha
That freaking rules.
Your friend in time, Doc Emmett L. Brown
Aussie Housewife
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
A Vampire Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin' didn't!"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin' didn't!"
Sick Day
A man calls in to work. "I can't come in today.." The boss says, "Why what's wrong?" " My doctor says I have Anal Glaucoma." Again the boss asks, "What's Anal Glaucoma?" "I don't see my ass coming in today"...
A man calls in to work. "I can't come in today.." The boss says, "Why what's wrong?" " My doctor says I have Anal Glaucoma." Again the boss asks, "What's Anal Glaucoma?" "I don't see my ass coming in today"...
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