HEVYDEVY FORUMS

A Polish man was getting married, and he got nervous on his wedding day.... and he decided to talk about the issue with his brother:

"I am not sure is my wife really a virgin"

Brother was stunned and was silent for a few minutes until he came up with a solution:

"That's easy. Only thing you need is red paint, green paint and a shovel."

The groom was curious.

Brother: "First you have to paint one of your testicles green and the other one red, and when you take off your pants on the wedding night and she starts laughing that "those are the funniest balls I've ever seen", just hit her in the head with the shovel."

How do you get a monkey down from a tree?

-With a machine gun

How do you get a baby down from a tree?

-Staple it to the monkey

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's
a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; ...she's dead."

Jokes ok ...
As long as there's nothing silly as jokes on aids, cancer, dead babies and all that

Geoff

How many schauvinists you need to change a light bulb?

-None, the biatch can cook in the dark

Why do women fake orgasms?

-They actually think than men care

geoff wrote:Jokes ok ...
As long as there's nothing silly as jokes on aids, cancer, dead babies and all that

Geoff

Well done Geoff, just in time. I was just about to list my favourite dead baby jokes. Now you ruined it. Thanx.

No problems I'm here for that ...

Geoff

Why do Essex girls wear knickers?
- to keep their ankles warm

What don't you buy Russian underpants?
- 'cause Cher-nobyl fall out (read as: cause ya nob'll fall out)

What do you call a Russian with three bollocks?
- Hoodyanik Abollokov

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb?


Two.


One to change the lightbulb...


...and one to suck my fucking knob!

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

- 13. One to change the bulb, 12 to form a support group.

Ramses-Bringer Of War wrote:How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb?


Two.


One to change the lightbulb...


...and one to suck my fucking knob!

Good stuff.

What is black, white and red and has difficulties turning in narrow corridors?

A nun pierced with a spear.

A frog comes to the doctor with a sock on her head...
The doctor asks her - now what's wrong with you?
And the frog goes - shut the fuck up, this is a robbery...

Yeah, I know, this ain't a joke...

f'give me for just feeling great and spreading the love all around, even if it's non-sensical

A grasshopper walks up to the bar and the bartender says "hey there Grasshopper, we have a drink named after you".....in a surprised manner the Grasshopper replies..."really! Kevin?"

(For those who don't know...a grasshopper is the name of a cocktail)...so many times i've told this joke and nobody got it!

Chris

These aren't sick or twisted but they crack me up...
-------------------
QANTAS AIRLINES MAINTENANCE REPLIES

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and
the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the
Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
(note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

What is the definition of poverty?

Having to masturbate to feed your cat!

(sick i know!)