A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I shit in my pants."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''ROARRRR!''"

Oh God, it gets worse...

Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

Facelift

A middle aged woman spends $5000 for a face lift and feels pretty good about herself. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess maybe... about 29?" The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say... 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm sorry, I'm 78 and my eyesight is not so good. Although..., when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a lady was. It may sound a little forward, but it requires me put my hands under your bra. I could then tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "Oh what the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and inside her bra and begins to feel around very slowly, very carefully. He Lifts one breast then the other and holds each and touches and caresses each breast... After a couple of minutes, she said, "Okay, okay,... that's enough, how old am I ?" He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,... how did you know?" He replied, "I was in line behind you at McDonald's."

All right, one more. Found this online somewhere:

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end,
I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks
and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesised
that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to
be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars Inc.Mackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A. along with a 3x5 card
reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

"There can be only one".

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

:lol: I like that one

What type of meat can a priest eat on Sunday?


Nun!



4 nuns were driving to an Easter celebration at an old folks nursing home - when their car crashed and all 4 of them died. When they got up to the pearly gates they were welcomed by St. Peter. He informed them that before they're allowed into Heaven, they must confess their deepest sin. One nun approached St. Peter and whispered in his ear, 'I have sinned by touching a man's penis with my left hand'. St. Peter then told her she should wash her left hand in a bucket of holy water and then say 3 rosaries as an apology to god and she'd be allowed entry to heaven. Which she did. The second nun approached St Peter and whispered, 'I have sinned by touching a man's penis with my right hand'. Before St. Peter had the time to tell her to wash her right hand in the holy water and say 3 rosaries, an almighty row had erupted between the two remaining nun's. St. Peter then approached the two nuns and demanded to know what gave them both the audacity to argue outside the kingdom of god. One of the nuns replied, 'Well... I understand the need for contrition, and I'm more than willing to say 3 rosaries, but you've got another thing coming if you think I'm going to gargle with that holy water after SHE's washed her arse in it'!!!

Aussie Housewife

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

haha good one, is there a website with a bunch of these jokes, or i seem to recall one about blonde jokes and stuff. ...

A man was lost in the woods. He walked and walked but could not find the way out. The sun was setting and he was getting desperate, but then he saw a big, tall house in the middle of the woods. He knocked the door and waited.. An old chinese man with a long white beard opened the door.

"Hello there!" the man said. "I am lost and need a bed to rest in. I will be on my way as soon as the sun rises." The old chinese man looked at him and said. "Yes yes, I have a spare bed for you to rest in...but on one condition! If you so much as touch my daughter, you will feel the three stages of chinese torture!!" The man studied the old chinese. "Hah, he's so old his daughter must be at least 60 years or something!" he thought.

The old chinese man invited him for supper. As they sat down to eat, the daughter came down the stairs to join them. She turned out to be both young and very beautiful. And on top of that, she was flirting with him when the old man wasn't watching. After they all had finished their meal, each of them went to their seperate bedroom. The man got the bedroom on the 3rd floor. He waited until he was sure the old man was sleeping and walked down to the daughters bedroom on the 2nd floor. Nature and hormones did their job, and things got really hot...

After several hours of hot sweaty loving, the man returned to his own room. The next morning he woke up with a big stone on his chest. It had a note on it. "Chinese torture, stage 1: Big stone on chest", it said. The man laughed. "Haha, if this is the worst the old man can do then I'm pretty safe." He walked to the window and threw the stone out. At the same second the stone left his hand, he notcied another note on the window frame. "Chinese torture, stage 2: The stone is tied to the left testicle." The man panicked and jumped out of the window. Better to break a leg than having your balls ripped off, right? As he fell towards the ground he saw a big sign on the ground. "Chinese torture, third stage: The right testicle is tied to the bedpost."

man that is freaking hilarious !

Alright, you want a *sick* joke?

Q. What's the most difficult part about stabbing a kitten to death with an icepick?
A. Suppressing your erection...

Oh YEAH! How you like me NOW?!?

Cool! That was cute!

Ok, stand back...

How many babies do you need to do wallpapers of one room?

One, in really thin slices.

lol that was funny! except now you're gonna be in trouble coz the mod dude said no baby jokes...

How do they separate the men from the boys in Greece?
--With a crowbar.


How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
--Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
--Wiped his ass.


What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
--Slow down and use a lubricant.

These are great!

How do you break an abo's hand?


Kick him in the ass!

lol that was funny! except now you're gonna be in trouble coz the mod dude said no baby jokes...

Oh yeah, I forgot. Me naughty, need spanking!