Tweedle Dil:"Why are you staring so damn intently at your orange juice ???"
Tweedle Do:"Well, the lable says 'consentrate'!"
Hah!!..I love humor....that's humor, right?

not bloody likely

http://www.clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=2183

[Keeker]

Dog Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Cat Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was
owing to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to
use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe..... For now...

i <3'd that

you've to read cats and dogs by lovecraft!

That was perfect, Keeker!

One of my cats greets me outside my bedroom door every morning, races me down the stairs to the 3rd step from the bottom, and then cuts me off from going down any further with her body. I used to think she wanted more attention, but now I have my doubts.

A worse walks into a bar

The bar tending says "Hey buddy, why the long face"?!


"Last night my wife killed herself"



I actually had to make that joke up at the last second because my friend knew the original punchline

A "worse"?
Horse, maybe?

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
Some one who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog

Removal of the somewhat milky plastic barrier causes the individual nuggets of Cap’n Crunch to resolve, under the halogen light, with a kind of preternatural crispness and definition that makes the roof of Randy’s mouth glow and throb in trepidation. ...

The gold nuggets of Cap’n Crunch pelt the bottom of the bowl with a sound like glass rods being snapped in half. Tiny fragments spall away from their corners and ricochet around on the white porcelain surface. World-class cereal-eating is a dance of fine compromises. The giant heaping bowl of sodden cereal, awash in milk, is the mark of the novice. Ideally one wants the bone-dry cereal nuggets and the cryogenic milk to enter the mouth with minimal contact and for the entire reaction between them to take place in the mouth. Randy has worked out a set of mental blueprints for a special cereal-eating spoon that will have a tube running down the handle and a little pump for the milk, so that you can spoon dry cereal up out of a bowl, hit a button with your thumb, and squirt milk into the bowl of the spoon even as you are introducing it into your mouth. The next best thing is to work in small increments, putting only a small amount of Cap’n Crunch in your bowl at a time and eating it all up before it becomes a pit of loathsome slime, which, in the case of Cap’n Crunch, takes about thirty seconds. ...

He pours the milk with one hand while jamming the spoon in with the other, not wanting to waste a single moment of the magical, golden time when cold milk and Cap’n Crunch are together but have not yet begun to pollute each other’s essential natures--two Platonic ideals separated by a boundary a molecule wide. Where the flume of milk splashes over the spoon-handle, the polished stainless steel fogs with condensation. Randy of course uses whole milk, because otherwise why bother? Anything less is indistinguishable from water, and besides he thinks that the fat in whole milk acts as some kind of a buffer that retards the dissolution-into-slime process. The giant spoon goes into his mouth before the milk in the bowl has even had time to seek its own level. A few drips come off the bottom and are caught by his freshly washed goatee (still trying to find the right balance between beardedness and vulnerability, Randy has allowed one of these to grow). Randy sets the milk-pod down, grabs a fluffy napkin, lifts it to his chin, and uses a pinching motion to sort of lift the drops of milk from his whiskers rather than smashing and smearing them down into the beard. Meanwhile all his concentration is fixed on the interior of his mouth, which naturally he cannot see, but which he can imagine in three dimensions as if zooming through it in a virtual reality display. Here is where a novice would lose his cool and simply chomp down. A few of the nuggets would explode between his molars, but then his jaw would snap shut and drive all of the unshattered nuggets straight up into his palate where their armor of razor-sharp dextrose crystals would inflict massive collateral damage, turning the rest of the meal into a sort of pain-hazed death march and rendering him Novocain-mute for three days. But Randy has, over time, worked out a really fiendish Cap’n Crunch eating strategy that revolves around playing the nuggets’ most deadly features against each other. The nuggets themselves are pillow-shaped and vaguely striated to echo piratical treasure chests. Now, with a flake-type of cereal, Randy’s strategy would never work. But then, Cap’n Crunch in a flake form would be suicidal madness; it would last about as long, when immersed in milk, as snowflakes sifting down into a deep fryer. No, the cereal engineers at General Mills had to find a shape that would minimize surface area, and, as some sort of compromise between the sphere that is dictated by Euclidean geometry and whatever sunken-treasure-related shapes that the cereal-aestheticians were probably clamoring for, they came up with this hard-to-pin-down striated pillow formation. The important thing, for Randy’s purposes, is that the individual pieces of Cap’n Crunch are, to a very rough approximation, shaped kind of like molars. The strategy, then, is to make the Cap’n Crunch chew itself by grinding the nuggets together in the center of the oral cavity, like stones in a lapidary tumbler. —Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon (1999)

[Keeker]

A young woman in Wildwood, New Jersey was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean. She went down to Morey's Pier and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I will take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, in the darkness, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and some fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.

'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked.

I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return, he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the Captain said. 'This is the Cape May Ferry'

THE LAWS OF LIFE: The Laws of Ultimate Reality


Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


Law of Gravity

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.


Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.


Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.


Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).


Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.


Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.


Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.


The Starbucks Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


Law of Physical Surfaces

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.


Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.


Brown's Law of Physical Appearance

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.


Oliver's Law of Public Speaking

A closed mouth gathers no feet.


Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Here's a joke for y'all:



(Except it's real)

Cringe-worthy, isn't it

[JuZ]

Cringe-worthy, isn't it

Wow... Sicker joke than any others posted on here, that's for sure.